I Never Said
by smiles2go
Summary: When Alice gets home, before she packs away her father's mementos, she sits down and writes down everything she can remember of Wonderland before she forgets.  These are the things she wrote to Hatter.


_When Alice gets home, before she packs away her father's mementos, she sits down and writes down everything she can remember of Wonderland before she forgets. These are the things she wrote to Hatter, in no particular order, just as she remembered them, even though she wasn't sure if he was real or not, just in case she ever saw him again. He was real to her and she missed him, loved him. (How's that for a run-on sentence?)_

I NEVER SAID

I never said the first thing that popped in my head when you turned around in that chair and said "A friend..." I'd just fallen through the Looking Glass, locked in a box, fell into the lake, swam to the city and convinced that nasty homeless man to help me. And all I could think was _he is SO hot. _

I never said but I thought you were exaggerating when you spoke of Oysters in the Casino. Just because you conned Ratty with a bottle of colored liquid, didn't mean it was real. Surely, that couldn't be true.

I never said I knew you were still conning me, but I went with you anyway.

I never said how warm the purple coat was. How much I was shivering before you gave it to me.

I never said, but when you looked at me with those eyes, those mesmerizing, smoldering chocolate eyes, and held out your hand on the ledge, I forgot my fear of heights and trusted you.

I never said, but when you told me about the poor people in the library, I heard the compassion in your voice and knew you were a good man.

I never said how brave you were to step between me and Owl and Dodo in the Great Library. I couldn't imagine anyone doing that for me, willing to die for me. I knew you cared for me, maybe even loved me. There wasn't time to think about it, but now I wonder how you could've cared so quickly. Care for an Oyster who argued with you about everything.

I never said how glad I was you wore the body armor and you weren't wounded. I was so afraid , I think my heart stopped when you went flying into the wall. I couldn't breathe and then Dodo… Dodo was going to take the ring, so I ran. I ran and left you. I'm sorry.

I never said why I was so angry when you weren't wounded. I'd thought you were dead and I was next. Yet there you came running down the hall to jump Dodo and try to save me again. Telling me to push the blue button and go, knowing there was no way out for yourself. Then letting that old man beat the crap out of you just to give me time to get away. Amazed that I came back for you.

I never said, but I thought you were just trying to scare me when we got to the forest. For the record, any idea with you as the bait is a bad one.

I never said how terrified I was when the jabberwock had me down and I couldn't get away. I thought he was going to eat me for sure. Then you came running through the trees like an avenging angel, thinking only how to save me. I never said how brave you were.

I never said, but I thought your hat tricks were amazing. They made me smile, even if you didn't see it.

I never said how disappointed I was when you said you couldn't come to my world. I had to rescue Jack, but I thought that after all that was done, we'd be together. I didn't want to believe all you wanted was the ring.

I never said, but I knew there was something fishy about Jack. He told me the ring had been in his family for years. Funny, that might've been the only thing he didn't lie about. He offered me the ring and invited me to meet his parents. Imagine what a fiasco that would've been? Then in Charlie's camp, he said he left ring in my world to cause a coup. But you're supposed to trust the people you like. Especially people you like a lot.

I never said, but I knew you could've taken the ring from me any time. And yet, you stopped Dodo and Charlie and tried to stop Jack from getting the ring, even though you knew Jack gave me the ring in the first place. I never said I agreed with your logic and reasons, because I had to _try_.

I never said anything about the little pinch of jealousy I felt when you mentioned Carlotta St. Delaware. The look on your face implied you knew her, maybe liked her once. Was she the one that said 'what's his name again?' I wanted to scratch her eyes out, and that made me angry.

I never said, but I woulda shared Charlie's bed with you. I never said, but I would've let you do more than kiss me. Wanted you to do more.

I never said, but I had to fight myself not to trust you. I wanted to, but I was afraid you'd turn out like everyone else and disappoint me and leave. And you never did, not once. I've learned to leave people before they leave me.

I never said how glad I was to see you open those doors when Dee and Dum had me in the truth room. I never said how crazy it was for me to climb on the desk and swing on the chandelier over the pit into your arms, just because you held out your hand and said _jump_.

I never said, but I wasn't going to tell you about Jack. You just find little ways to get under my skin and I blurted it out in the elevator. I didn't want you know how stupid I'd been, how I let him trick me, con me. I wanted you to understand, when I didn't understand myself. I wanted you to tell me I wasn't stupid, that he really cared about me, but you told me the truth and that made me angry.

I never said, but on the flamingo, I was happy to just finally be able to hold you. Put my arms around you and lay my cheek against your shoulder. I never said how good you smell, of leather and tea and spices. I never said how much I wanted to get my hands in your hair.

I never said how lost I felt after Mad March took you and I thought you were dead. I didn't care what they did then. Nothing mattered anymore. I didn't fight until I saw the little girls.

I never said so many things at Charlie's camp when Jack interrupted our kiss. I'm sorry I said you were 'just a friend', you were more, much more. I never said how it hurt when Jack called you 'this man' with such a sneer in his voice. And the look on your face? Oh Hatter. I'm so sorry. He dismissed everything you'd done to help, protect and save me as …as nothing. I never said I was fooled by Jack's speech, but how else was I to get my father out? I never said but, I should've made Jack bring you. I never said, but I should've made him promise things before I told him where the ring was. I never said how it broke my heart to leave you behind. I never said how hard it was to keep back the tears when you told me to go. I never said that's when I knew I loved you. I never said how hard it was to ride off with Jack and not look back.

I never said how relieved I was when you didn't just walk away and leave me after we escaped Dodo and the Great Library when you were chasing me around a tree. You could've gone back to your Tea Shop and forgot about me. Or I guess since you played both sides of the Court, you could've turned me into the Queen and gotten a reward. But you didn't, you stayed with me, protected me and followed me. Saved me time and again.

I never said how sorry I was that you lost everything for me. Lost your Tea Shop, your home, your things, your hats, your freedom, your place in the Resistance, and almost your life. All for me.

I never said how comforting it was every time you touched me. You made me feel safe, wanted.

I never said how you changed me, made me face my fears and conquer them. You gave me the strength to become Alice of Legend.

I never said, but when I woke up in the hospital, I told my mom _he's gone_ and cried. I meant you just as much as my dad.

I never said how shaken I was when she said I'd only been gone an hour. How could it be real if I was only gone an hour? How can I have fallen so in love with a dream Hatter? How can I desperately miss a dream Hatter? How can I face the rest of my life without you?

I never said but the first thing I did when I got back to Charlie's camp was put on the purple coat and think about you. I walked up the hill to watch for you.

I never said how even though all I wanted to do was go home, that when I got here all I wanted to do was go back. Stood here and looked around at the loft, at my home. It means nothing to me. Everything is grey, all the color left behind in your world, with you. All the color, all the life, all the love.

I never said how nice it was to ride behind you on the horse to Charlie's camp. I wanted to put my arms around you and lean against your back. You were so cocky, it was hard to hide my smile.

I never said, but at Charlie's camp I heard what you said about Jack being a lucky guy. Even though I thought you'd lied to me again, it was one of the few times you actually said anything that made me think you might care about me.

I never said but I stood and watched you sleep a few minutes before I left you behind. How hard it was to leave the purple coat, knowing how it would hurt you when you saw it. When you woke up and found me gone. I didn't want you to follow me and get hurt, maybe killed. But you followed anyway and saved me.

I never said how horrified I was when you rescued me in the Casino and I saw how they'd hurt you. How safe I felt in your arms. I never said thank you for trying to rescue me then or any other time. At least I did say I trusted you, and I do. Completely. I never said how I depended on you to carry out my idea. I never said how shocked I was when you shot the man who shot my father – I thought he was going to shoot me. He meant to shoot me and you stopped him.

I never said how I listened in disbelief and surprise when you said _goodbye_ in the Mirror room. What happened to change your mind? I thought for sure you'd at least want me to stay with you. I wanted to shake you or kiss you or something. Did you notice it was the first time I didn't argue with you? Just stood there and watched you let me go. I could see the love in your eyes and something else…something like regret, agony, longing? I don't know. Couldn't you see I loved you too? Why did you let me go?

I never said how afraid I was that you weren't coming back from the city, that you were tired of arguing with a crazy Oyster and would abandon me. I was so happy to see you and then you said you were gonna stay and fight. How could I argue with that. How could I be so selfish as to ask you to come with me when you finally found your integrity.

I never said how hard it was to give back the purple coat and have nothing left of you.

I never said how it made my heart thrill every time you said my name.

I never said, but I wanted to kiss you a dozen times.

I never said, but I didn't know what love or trust meant till I met you.

I never said.


End file.
